Hidden Confessions

hectic

2006-09-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

AHHH
i am back at college for my second year!
everything has been so hectic...that is why I barely got to write on this thing.
I have been trying to settle in but classes and work has kept me quite busy.
How is everyone?
Well, this a quick one...
I will write more later.

Signing out from Beantown!

unknown

2006-08-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

just wanted to put this up from Post Secret:
THE STORY OF MY LIFE! LOL!

so the "outing" didn't happen because everything got hectic...LONG STORY!

i know it'll happen soon...just don't know how.

Possible situations I have replayed in my head:

"So did you guys see the season finale of the hills? oh and btw, i'm gay..."

or

"did you guys get the new issue of advocate...oh wait, i didn't tell you I was gay?!"

or

"i like my cucumbers large"

the last one is just awkward lol

well, kudos to me...for turning something serious into a joke!

bday!

2006-08-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

it's my bday!
time to celebrate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to be or not to be?

2006-08-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

AHHH i am having second thoughts about coming out...
this hormone of mine also known as testosterone...it is the death of me.

Some days I am horny like a horny little school boy...
and some days I am just mellow.
i am like that little dog that wants to hump everything in it's path...man, i am too honest sometimes.

so how is testosterone and my 'outing' related?
well, i feel that my hormones sometimes overwhelm me so much that I get really anxious about coming out. Other times, I get nervous and less anxious...!

so there are exactly 11 days remaining till my birthday... or also known as "D-day" or even more precisely "the day i might come out"
i am in a very pensive mode right now...
I need help!

I AM ULTIMATELY AFRAID OF COMING OUT...not because my friends might not accept me but because there is the possibility of being A BAD GAY?

WILL I BE A BAD GAY?
by this i mean, what if i don't find a guy or no one finds me attractive...?
so many questions...!!!!!!!!!!!
i believe that there is someone for everyone...of course...
but will i be successful in finding such a person?
this romance and love thing is way too much work.

I guess i will find out once i come out...EEKKKKKKK!

Gay is IN!

2006-07-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Lance Bass reveals that he is gay! wow!
Darren Hayes decides to come out of the closet!
the news made me very happy for some odd reason

countdown until I come out to my friends: 17 days
i'm pretty much numb!

I like long walks on the beach!

2006-07-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

You know you're lonely...
when you find yourself browsing through gay dating sites. This is absolutely terrible. It's official I am lonely and I didn't think this would ever happen. I have great friends who keep me company... but I am romantically lonely. I shouldn't be browsing through unknown and strange profiles... it isn't the real thing. Even worse... I have no gay friends and I am not OUT. So it will be a while until I can go out into the gay scene and meet a potential "friend". I feel like my odds are 1 out of 1,000. For now, I can only humor myself.
This is just sad.

you know what's funny.
In real life, I am very outgoing and crazy. I am usually the wild one who likes being the center of attention. But this blog brings the quiet and reserved personality that has been suppressed. I guess I dealt with my personal problems and secrets in a different way compared to others. In order to contain such a big secret that burdened me, I made up for it by being talkative and goofy!
It has worked in my favor... but the secret is still buried within me. A co-worker recently asked if I was gay or straight... I said straight...and I wanted to cry.

I keep on betraying myself... I think I am worth more than that!
I am looking foward to the day I actually put a face to this blog by posting my real picture... oh will that make my day!

superficial world

2006-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

just got back from work...
full time jobs are no fun at all... can't wait to go back to school
if you want to find out where I work and all the great adventures I have at work you can email me at hiddenconfessions2006@yahoo.com

I am more protective about revealing too much information on the blog which might ultimately give away my whole identity...

So there has been a lot of things on my mind lately...
gay people...specifically gay men.
it seems that it is a very difficult thing to be a gay man in today's world. Everything and everybody seems so superficial. Gay men especially. In the world of gay men, influenced by media and porn, we have to be hot and muscular in order to be attractive. There seems to be a lot of pressure placed on the way we should look. I am all for hot guys with hot bodies. However, I also know that there exists a lot of more important qualities that exist deep within the skin. A guy can be hot but if he is conceited and rude, I will never love or like him. I'd have to say that for me, personality is a very big factor in who I like. I like guys who are sweet (I think a mama's boy is adorable), loving, romantic, laid back, FUNNY (A HUGE PLUS), determined, tolerant, accepting, intelligent and just down to earth. I like a guy who wants to go out and have fun but at the same time wants to stay home, snuggle and watch movies all night long. I want a guy who will hold me in his arms and never let me go... except for the occasional bathroom breaks, etc. I love guys WHO DON'T TRY. Groom yourself but don't forget there's a whole world out there to explore...don't be too obsessed about how many times you have to pluck your eyebrows to keep them nicely shaped. I will be quite forgiving to a guy who might have an untamed and bushy eyebrow but goes out there and makes other people smile. Man, am I idealistic or what?
Just want a sweet and caring guy...I can go on forever but I will leave that till next time.

The underlying point is...
as gay men we face a lot of prejudice, discrimination and intolerance.
However, after all this segregation we face...we seem to do it to each other by emphasizing appearance over personality.
when will we learn...beauty is only skin deep (very cliche, I know).
Well, just a quick rant :]
good day!

once again from Post Secret:

Nickelback and life!

2006-07-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

I love Nickelback...!
i am a big fan of alternative rock and Nickelback is on top of the list.
I love their Savin' Me song and video:
check out their music video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y4W5Iuaq9M&feature=TopRated&page=2&t=w&f=b

This music video really put some things into perspective; it has been a year since I have been thinking of coming out!
I think this will finally happen on the day of my birthday!
i am planning to tell my best friends... I must be crazy!
there are days when I am so sure that I want other people to know...but there are times I just want to shrink and crawl into a dark hidden space.

Sometimes I hate that I don't have the courage...
but life is too short, as seen in the Nickelback video.
I don't want to live a life full of lies...
and I want to meet someone who will care for me and love me.
Will this happen?
i have absolutely no clue
I hate the saying "there is someone for everyone".
Is that really true?

so many questions...but very little answers.
Life is such a difficult quest.

happy independence day

2006-07-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

but...is there truly liberation and independence for all?
or are some of us hiding... living a life of secrecy...
confined to being misunderstood because we are not accepted?

independence is what we wanted... independence is what some of us got.

you can never have enough jeans

2006-05-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

Pure randomness...
so I was just thinking about jeans...
since we are such fabulous dressers... I thought I would ask you guys
so what style of jeans are your favorite?
boot cut, straight cut, a combination of both, etc?
what brand?
what jeans go best with sneakers?
Overall, tell me about jeans!

I DID IT!

2006-05-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

I DID IT!

I SURVIVED FRESHMEN YEAR... I AM NOW OFFICIALLY A SOPHOMORE!

This has been one of the most testing obstacles in my life. I reached new lows that I never thought would be possible. There were times where I would go without sleeping for two days... my body would shake profusely, my hair would frizz because of stress and I had bags under my eyes. Relatively, I did well this semester...academically and socially. I learned a lot about myself...or that is to say...I learned that I have a lot to learn a lot about myself. What I take away from my first year of college is that it goes by quickly. A blink of an eye... and everything is over. I will remember late night trips to get food, talking with friends all-night long, study groups, complaining, nervous breakdowns, crises, emotional breakdowns, home sickness, movie nights, eating anything we could find, sleep overs, running to friend's dorms at random hours, taking care of friends when they were drunk and just overall freedom. Cliché it is...but time is precious. I learned to be real this year though. I need to be me... and people will love me for that. However, I need to be open with my sexuality until I can be fully comfortable in my skin. I feel like I have the courage to come out...but don't know where to start. I really don't know.
BUT... college has given me endless amounts of tears, laughter, joy, pain, headaches, GREAT FRIENDS AND MEMORIES that I will hold dear in my heart.

Life is a challenge but that's what makes it worthwhile!
Now I am off to go party my butt off...

good night.

BTW, CHECK OUT
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
MY FAVORITE WEBSITE- my source of inspiration when new ones come out every Sunday...!

Real people send in postcards with their secrets!
IN CELEBRATION OF MOTHER'S DAY:
I thought these were sweet and quite moving

ARTISTIC EXPRESSION!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

college

2006-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Finals week has approached!
i hope i make it out alive!

till then I will look foward to... summer, clubbing with friends, getting trashed, late night trips, road trips, going to the beach, reading, shopping, going to artsy fartsy places, staying in late, cooking, baking, going to the movies, random trips to the city, getting back in shape, laughing with friends and family, rolling around in bed, EATING and overall having fun!
TOUCHE!!!

gay magazine

2006-04-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

ummm bought my first gay magazines....
Genre and Out... took a lot of courage...and yet I didn't think the articles were worth it.
However, I wasn't that crazy shy or embarassed about buying them...I'm getting stronger and more accepting of myself. Good for me.
AHHHH i want a boyfriend...yes, I sound very desperate.
the time will come some day soon.
Btw, I had a question...do caucasian men find asian men attractive?
I feel like white men wouldn't give a second look to an asian man...even if he was good looking, smart and successful. Now what's up with that? give me some feedback
till then...good night and good luck!

2006-04-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

OH MAN! college is draining me!!!
Since I am experiencing writers block...or lack of creative energy...
do you have anything you want me to write about...being asian? being gay? being in the closet? ETC.

-good night :D

Sixteen, Dave and men as usual!

2006-02-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

WHOA...hold up...do I sound sixteen when I'm writing?
oh lord...here comes my queer and FABUUUUUUULOUS self- consciousness again!
Ahhh..I miss NY!
People in New York are actually hot...but Massachusetts...ehh not so hot.

So what’s new? Oh yeah…I like men…HA!

I feel extra flamboyant today…I want to sashay around in a pink silk dress…lol…yeah right!

Speaking of “girly men” check out this article from “Out”-

So What’s Wrong with a Little Lisp?

Well, today is Superbowl Sunday

You know what that means- Spousal Abuse increase!!! Isn’t that absolutely splendid?! (ABSOLUTELY NOT!)

On a random note...I think Dave Lieberman from Good Deal with Dave Lieberman (Food Network) is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I would love to try some of his meaty and juicy sausage…and I do mean his cooking! I must be losing it…who’s next? Emeril Lagasse? But seriously, isn’t Dave Lieberman very handsome? He seems like a very sincere and nice guy…! He graduated from Yale too...you know he has brains! I’m in love…and he cooks too…my ideal guy! Check out his website:

Dave Lieberman

what a sexy hunk!

If more men were like him…*sigh!

Well everyone!

Stay fabulous!

And enjoy the week…don’t get too wild!

Jacob Robida

2006-02-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh...very scary Jacob Robida...
i go to college in Massachusetts...and when I heard about this tragedy it terribly frightened me.
It reminds me why it is so hard for me to come out of the closet.
I'm scared...but I know I will be coming out soon...prob next year!
I shouldn't be scared because there will always be ignorant and intolerant people. I can't be scared...i love myself and no one should stop that! I can't live my life hiding forever!
I hope this event makes people realize how horrible hate is! Maybe i'm an idealist but gosh darn it...why can't we all just hold hands and sing our lives away in harmony (how cheesy was that!)?
Well, i'm kind of tired!
good day!
Touche!

Oh college...why art thou so cruel?

2006-02-01T11:46:00.001-08:00

Oh college...what can i say?
it is bittersweet...wonderful yet brutal...ugly yet suprisingly pleasant to look at.
College summed up using different phrases:
bad food, bad food, bad food
work, study, work
too many parties
too many drunk kids vomitting everywhere
too many people who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom

ahhh...but what can you say it is still pretty fun...some say that college is the "golden years".
i guess in a way it is...but darn that freshman 15...it sucks...i have to get back in shape.
but i barely have time to do anything... and i don't eat as much as I did back home.

one good thing about college is checking out hot guys...
not too many in my college...but some of the hot and "straight" ones spark up my gaydar
I pretty much have a good tingling feeling when I sense someone is stll hiding in the closet....LIKE ME.
it sucks...i wonder if guys actually check me out/ like me...but I will never know until I actually come out...
yeah short blog today
good day...off to study...(how sad!).

if you just want a little chuckle before you go to bed...check this video out:
funny movie
very funny!

Oscar Nominations here:

Oscar Nominations

splendid- Brokeback Mountain has 8 nominations...if i counted right!!
Ang Lee is amazing...good to see a fellow asian being successful!

In college...

2006-01-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

I am back here… here in this cramped room where the only source of natural light comes from two windows peering out into a big and mysterious world. Basically, I live in the basement of the dorm and I think the lack of fresh air is getting to me. While most people say that their room is their sanctuary, I can not say the same. Aesthetically, I have done my best to cover the bare and plain walls with posters, photographs of my happiest moments and Christmas lights strung throughout the ceiling and wall. However, privacy is a bare minimum because I have a roommate. We definitely can live without each other but I guess I am glad that we haven’t experienced some of the nightmare stories that I have heard from my friends. What can I say? College is about overcoming difficult obstacles and as we all know the cliché saying “whatever doesn’t kill me, will only make me stronger”. I never really liked this saying and I’m not sure why. Maybe the one word that throws the whole statement off is the word “stronger”. Stronger in which way? What is the meaning of the word “strong”? I have yet to discover the true essence of the word.

College is also about (yet again another cliché idea) discovering oneself. Amazingly, being away from my parents and in a different state is almost like a catalyst for basically, EVERYTHING! I am independent. Wow, let me take a moment to step back and shout that out again: I AM INDEPENDENT! The college experience has become a glimpse into what my future would be like. As most of you know from my previous entry, I have been struggling with my sexual orientation. This is my dilemma: I LOVE THE TOUCH OF MEN: I love the way they look, I love their smooth bodies, I love their genital organs. As funny as that sounds, I love the PENIS…how could you not? I feel like it is more than just a “sexual organ”. A penis reminds me of vitality…when at rest it is flaccid and calm. However, it can as they humorously say “stand up at attention”. It is so strong, hard and seems like it can withstand anything. It is truly a piece of masterpiece. I LOVE IT! The male body is a piece of artwork for me. What has been haunting me during my first week of college was how my peers failed to see this. It seemed like everyone came to college to just go wild and have sex all the time. For many, it might be an ideal life but this isn’t the life for me. I’m not going to be some party pooper and say that you can’t have fun and you must study all the time. Everyone is entitled to have fun…life is fun and it would be a waste to not take full advantage of it. I don’t like the fact that people take sex for granted and just do it all the time. I feel that sex is sacred and I would save it for someone who I love very much and can reciprocate that feeling. My ideal relationship would be with a sweet and caring (okay…it would be nice if he was cute too) guy. As a college student, I have reserved some time for studying and going to classes in my idea of an ideal relationship. However, whenever we had a chance we would just cuddle up all day. On cold days, we would sit by the warm fire with globs of marshmallow. The fire would crackle and fizz but we would be too caught up talking to each other that we wouldn’t notice it. He would make me laugh and just make me feel like I am the world to him. During the weekends or at night, we would cuddle up in bed with some snacks (yes, I do love food, as you might have noticed by now), and have a movie marathon. I love comedies and scary movies. However, I also admire a guy who can cry and show his emotions when we are watching a very sad movie. We would fall asleep in each others arm and our body heat would keep us warm. The first thing I would want to see is his eyes and face when I wake up. It would send shivers down my body and just make me tingle all the way from my head to my toe. How ideal does this sound? Man, sometimes I feel like I am trying way too hard. At this moment, this guy seems like he can only exist in my imagination. Oh how I long for a guy who will love me like nobody else could.

However, the depressing part is that I am still not “out” and until I come out to the world…I can only rely on my imagination to satisfy my longing for a relationship.

However, this blog does help.

wow...things are changing

2006-01-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

This was what i posted a while ago:

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Behind these hazel eyes...

When listening to Kelly Clarkson's song called "Behind these hazel eyes", it reminds me of the many secrets and feelings that exist within a person. I too am a person full of secrets with an unknown identity, so this is why this blog is coming to birth. I don't know why I have these sudden urges to start a blog or write down my feelings but I thought it would be a great way to share my pent up feelings to the world. My blog won't be full of bright colors or flashy pictures... just words that flow from my head and heart. I'm just hoping that writing in this blog will help me understand my feelings in a profound way. I think I am bisexual and it has been very confusing lately. I don't know how people around me will react if they found out. More importantly, how can I live my life this way... if it is a lie? There are many times I feel guilty to myself for not being true to myself. I'm just hoping it will all work out...my smile is almost like a dark alley on the streets of NY. I'm full of hidden secrets and it is not easy to navigate but at the end there are so many mysteries to be revealed. I can't imagine anyone reading this...heck, who would read this? I guess these overwhelming feelings are starting to swell up because of NY...when I see gays, lesbians, etc. on the streets I wonder why can't I come out too...?
I don't get it...the world can be harsh
I'm in a hole and want to crawl out...and open up to the world!
to be continued...
"John Doe"

--------------------------------------------------------------
2005, wow! time does fly...
and now i'm in college!
my mind and spirit is revived and this blog will be too!

BE ON THE LOOKOUT!
I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
:D