In college...

I am back here… here in this cramped room where the only source of natural light comes from two windows peering out into a big and mysterious world. Basically, I live in the basement of the dorm and I think the lack of fresh air is getting to me. While most people say that their room is their sanctuary, I can not say the same. Aesthetically, I have done my best to cover the bare and plain walls with posters, photographs of my happiest moments and Christmas lights strung throughout the ceiling and wall. However, privacy is a bare minimum because I have a roommate. We definitely can live without each other but I guess I am glad that we haven’t experienced some of the nightmare stories that I have heard from my friends. What can I say? College is about overcoming difficult obstacles and as we all know the cliché saying “whatever doesn’t kill me, will only make me stronger”. I never really liked this saying and I’m not sure why. Maybe the one word that throws the whole statement off is the word “stronger”. Stronger in which way? What is the meaning of the word “strong”? I have yet to discover the true essence of the word.

College is also about (yet again another cliché idea) discovering oneself. Amazingly, being away from my parents and in a different state is almost like a catalyst for basically, EVERYTHING! I am independent. Wow, let me take a moment to step back and shout that out again: I AM INDEPENDENT! The college experience has become a glimpse into what my future would be like. As most of you know from my previous entry, I have been struggling with my sexual orientation. This is my dilemma: I LOVE THE TOUCH OF MEN: I love the way they look, I love their smooth bodies, I love their genital organs. As funny as that sounds, I love the PENIS…how could you not? I feel like it is more than just a “sexual organ”. A penis reminds me of vitality…when at rest it is flaccid and calm. However, it can as they humorously say “stand up at attention”. It is so strong, hard and seems like it can withstand anything. It is truly a piece of masterpiece. I LOVE IT! The male body is a piece of artwork for me. What has been haunting me during my first week of college was how my peers failed to see this. It seemed like everyone came to college to just go wild and have sex all the time. For many, it might be an ideal life but this isn’t the life for me. I’m not going to be some party pooper and say that you can’t have fun and you must study all the time. Everyone is entitled to have fun…life is fun and it would be a waste to not take full advantage of it. I don’t like the fact that people take sex for granted and just do it all the time. I feel that sex is sacred and I would save it for someone who I love very much and can reciprocate that feeling. My ideal relationship would be with a sweet and caring (okay…it would be nice if he was cute too) guy. As a college student, I have reserved some time for studying and going to classes in my idea of an ideal relationship. However, whenever we had a chance we would just cuddle up all day. On cold days, we would sit by the warm fire with globs of marshmallow. The fire would crackle and fizz but we would be too caught up talking to each other that we wouldn’t notice it. He would make me laugh and just make me feel like I am the world to him. During the weekends or at night, we would cuddle up in bed with some snacks (yes, I do love food, as you might have noticed by now), and have a movie marathon. I love comedies and scary movies. However, I also admire a guy who can cry and show his emotions when we are watching a very sad movie. We would fall asleep in each others arm and our body heat would keep us warm. The first thing I would want to see is his eyes and face when I wake up. It would send shivers down my body and just make me tingle all the way from my head to my toe. How ideal does this sound? Man, sometimes I feel like I am trying way too hard. At this moment, this guy seems like he can only exist in my imagination. Oh how I long for a guy who will love me like nobody else could.

However, the depressing part is that I am still not “out” and until I come out to the world…I can only rely on my imagination to satisfy my longing for a relationship.

However, this blog does help.